The first time I told a woman she was beautiful felt like the most honestl truth that’s ever left my mouth. I feel like I’m having a Kristen Stewart moment right now. So I guess I’m like, really fucking gay?

3 years ago when I broke up with dieting my biggest focus with my body was beginning to feel normal around food. In this initial phase I kind of stopped taking as great internal care of my body. I wasn't eating a lot of veggies, conscious of taking vitamins or supplementing with things I was deficient in. I was 100000% okay with this because healing my mind was of the most importance to me. 

An continually updated log of all the best books, podcasts, movies, ted talks, shows and more!

You know that scene in Shrek where he’s like ogres are like onions? My dad use to say the same thing about boys.

“Boys are like onions, Rachel. You have to peel back the layers and keep peeling them back to really get to know someone”.

“Binge eating feels like my brain becomes host to a demon. LIke my normal brain is there, but frozen and unable to make a choice. Like I am held hostage to the demon that is frantic, telling me to eat what's in front of me and then some. And even when I want to stop, it says no. Like I’m being sent on a mission and can’t stop until it’s done. Despite tears, physical pain, and wanting to throw up, I can’t stop. Despite an urge so strong it forces me to manipulate situations and lie, I can’t stop. Only when I’m done do I realize what’s happened and then I get my reward for listening to the demon. Shame so big that it swallows me whole.”

Sitting with the restlessness for me meant not seeking out another relationship or person to sleep with right away. If that’s what you need, I’m not knocking it. But I’m encouraging you to not use someone else's body or emotions as a scratching post for you to numb out on. This was hard for me, I wasn’t use to not being someone's person.

It's not in another diet, or fancy meal plan that ease within your body comes. I know that you think if you could just lose those extra 10 lbs, that you'll *finally* be happy. But what I know after working with over 800 women to help them feel more normal in their body + around food is that you have to master your mindset first. What you're searching for in losing those 10lbs is a feeling. For example you think that confidence is tied to a size 4, or that sexiness comes with wearing a size small.

While I wanted to tell him that ‘being a homosexual’ is not a choice. And that it would be 1000000x easier to just date men. I refrained and let him continue. I also couldn't stop reciting mean girls "And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs..... And the homosexuals. AMEN."

You know how people say movement will help ease anxiety and depression? It's true, it will. That doesn't mean that it's way to get into that habit.  What a cruel cycle. Movement helps ease the body and mind, but when the body and mind sin't at ease it's hard to begin actions that help.

Accepting my body came in very small moments. Moments where I began to chose what was okay, and not conform to what society says is they want.