You know that scene in Shrek where he’s like ogres are like onions? My dad use to say the same thing about boys.

“Boys are like onions, Rachel. You have to peel back the layers and keep peeling them back to really get to know someone”.

“Binge eating feels like my brain becomes host to a demon. LIke my normal brain is there, but frozen and unable to make a choice. Like I am held hostage to the demon that is frantic, telling me to eat what's in front of me and then some. And even when I want to stop, it says no. Like I’m being sent on a mission and can’t stop until it’s done. Despite tears, physical pain, and wanting to throw up, I can’t stop. Despite an urge so strong it forces me to manipulate situations and lie, I can’t stop. Only when I’m done do I realize what’s happened and then I get my reward for listening to the demon. Shame so big that it swallows me whole.”

Sitting with the restlessness for me meant not seeking out another relationship or person to sleep with right away. If that’s what you need, I’m not knocking it. But I’m encouraging you to not use someone else's body or emotions as a scratching post for you to numb out on. This was hard for me, I wasn’t use to not being someone's person.

It's not in another diet, or fancy meal plan that ease within your body comes. I know that you think if you could just lose those extra 10 lbs, that you'll *finally* be happy. But what I know after working with over 800 women to help them feel more normal in their body + around food is that you have to master your mindset first. What you're searching for in losing those 10lbs is a feeling. For example you think that confidence is tied to a size 4, or that sexiness comes with wearing a size small.

While I wanted to tell him that ‘being a homosexual’ is not a choice. And that it would be 1000000x easier to just date men. I refrained and let him continue. I also couldn't stop reciting mean girls "And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs..... And the homosexuals. AMEN."

You know how people say movement will help ease anxiety and depression? It's true, it will. That doesn't mean that it's way to get into that habit.  What a cruel cycle. Movement helps ease the body and mind, but when the body and mind sin't at ease it's hard to begin actions that help.

Accepting my body came in very small moments. Moments where I began to chose what was okay, and not conform to what society says is they want. 

When your best friend comes to you and says “I fucked up. I cheated on my boyfriend, and I feel disgusting. “ You see her pain yes? You don’t say “KAREN YOU DUMB BITCH!”. Well, that isn’t the first thing you say at least. You hold her in her pain, and see her without judgement.

You, yourself, are NOT the exception to this loving kindness you so freely have within you. You aren't that special that you aren’t just as human as Karen is to accept this kindness.

Are you craving some ease, confidence and love within your body? 

Yes? Of course. But, you also don't want to spend a ton of money on self help books, masks and trips to the spa?

I got you girl, don't worry. 

What if I told you that you could eat pizza or have wine without guilt?

Would you roll your eyes, waiting to hear what BS falls from my mouth? Or would you be open to trying something completely different than anything you’ve ever done before. Because at this point, you’re open to trying anything, no matter how out there it sounds—if it means you can stop obsessing about food.