I'm currently reading the book Love Warrior and within the first 21 min I found myself bawling my eyes out.
Glennon shares her story of being married, of love, of coming into her body and self, of finding her worth--it's all so beautiful and I'm still sitting with how to describe it all. Other than I feel like I'm reading my past life. Which stirs up a lot of emotions and memories I thought I had forgotten.
As I read, I connected to her words because I'm reenacting parts of my old life. Being young and married. Thinking that being worthy and lovable came from being a wife and a mother. When quite frankly I wanted neither title. Don't get me wrong, I love being "mom", but I didn't want to be a woman who lost herself in motherhood defining her.
What I want to dive into today, is sex.
Glennon so rawly shares what intimacy was like in this marriage. The marriage that was leaving her feel like a ghost in her own body. In one line that struck my soul like a piercing knife, she says:
"He wants to be inside of my body like I want to be inside of his mind."
Oh my gosh, YES.
My skin crawls, I want to cry and I feel relieved as I read this line because that was my very real reality.
Don't You Want More Than My Body?
When I was married, my husband would touch me and I would shrink on the inside.
Before he even arrived home I would be anticipating his arrival and the fight we would have because he would look at me, with this look, and I would know that meant he wanted me, I would have rather run a triathlon than feel his touch against my body (I loathe running).
But I thought that being a "good" wife meant he should have my body and I should want to have sex, right?
I use to think something was wrong with me.
"Why don't you want to have sex with him?" I would think to myself. "What is wrong with you?"
I legitimately googled how to have sex because I thought I was clearly just doing something wrong. No, I'm not kidding.
We would fight about what was "wrong" with me.
Was I tired? Had I just been over touched my a small child pulling at my shirt, throwing up on me, and yanking at my hair all day? Did I not love him? I mean certainly said it enough. What was it?
"Why don't you want to have sex with me?" He would ask.
"I can't have sex when I feel like you can't connect with me. I want to feel like you love me, like you care about my mind, ask me how my day was, something, PLEASE." I feel the tears welling in my eyes as I speak these words to him because I'm dying for connection.
"I can't love you and show you love unless we have sex. Sex is how I feel love."
What in the actual fuck is this twisted dilemma we are in? So what was I suppose to do? Have sex so he could feel love, while I'm over here being a piece of meat for his body to enter. I think the fuck not.
I wanted connection, I wanted real.
This same pattern would continue into my next relationship after my ex-husband.
My new partner would eventually say:
"I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with you. All of my other girlfriends wanted to have sex all of the time. We would want to leave work early just to have sex."
Good for your ex-girlfriends then, maybe you should call one of them. Because If I didn't want to have sex before, I definitely don't want to now.
I would tell him, "I feel so disconnected."
"Disconnected" he would say with a confused look on his face. "When you walk into the room I feel connected to you".
WHAT???? I wanted to throw my shoe at his face (not really). What do you mean?
On what planet is my presence a sense of deep connection for you?
Lost, party of one. Checking in for an extended stay over here. Cleary I'm going mad.
Am I gay? Am I broken? Am I suppose to be alone?
All of those really made sense because at this point I had put myself into this box that being alone is good, and that I just wasn't someone who liked sex.
But was that really true? My best friend was having 50 shades of grey kind of sex and I knew I desired what she was experiencing but I just thought, "that wasn't in the cards for me".
Coming Into Love
In reading Danielle Laportes book, The Desire Map, she makes you think about how you want to feel. In life, in love, in everything. How do you want to feel? This was the first time I had truly thought about it.
I kept coming back to the word connection.
I wanted to feel connected.
I wasn't able to describe what this looked like in either of my relationships but I knew I needed it.
I knew I needed it even more when I hear Brene Brown define it:
OKAY YES QUEEN.
I want to feel SEEN.
I want to feel HEARD.
I want to feel VALUED.
"I could get down with this", I thought.
When I knew how I wanted to feel, I was able to look back at each relationship and realize one huge, massive, gigantic, VERY ENORMOUS, thing.
I latched on to one small, very tiny, part of these humans and tried to build a connection off it.
"Oh my gosh. No way, you like kombucha????? ME TOO. We should, ya know, date and do life?"
Can I tell you a secret...I'm going to anyway so here it is.
I saw that my ex-husband liked the movie Elf. So I messaged him and was like:
"Hi, I loveeeeee the movie Elf. Ur so cuttteee."
Then we got married after I lied about my love for that horrible movie (a couple years later that is).
I had no connection with these people. I didn't care how much I lied to them. I tried so hard to be seen, valued and heard in a way that I thought they would like, not in a way I truly was.
So when it came to intimacy, there was nothing there. There was fake feelings built off of a lie.
Knowing How I Wanted To Feel
Knowing how I wanted to feel allowed me to step out of relationships that I was disconnected from and step into a place of connection.
Ah, good question, Danielle.
How do I want to feel?
Finding The One
In finding my person, this time around I knew that it wasn't about false connections based off of superficial things. This time I knew I was searching for feeling the way I wanted to feel, and connecting on THAT level.
Now I'm no doctor over here. I'm not telling you that if you decide how you want to feel, you'll love sex.
However, defining how I wanted to feel was part of that journey for me. I was able to create something that was real with a human that I adore, and love with every fiber of my being.
Sex isn't a chore anymore, it's not something that makes my skin crawl or shrink on the inside. It's beautiful and filled with passion.
Why is the owner of Strong Chicks Rock writing about her sex life? Hi dad! Good question.
This work of intimacy is so deeply intertwined into my work with women.
I don't "just do fitness".
I work with women to help them create a healthy relationship with food and their body. That means we dig through shame, love, intimacy, etc. Not always, and not with every client. Some women just dig that I talk about self love and write workout programs that make sense, if that's you, right on, you can keep being a Strong Chick without digging into this stuff.
However, if you're on a path of connecting to your power as a woman and digging deep into creating healthy relationships with yourself and others, this is for you. This is why I share it all.
We all want connection, and even if you aren't on a path of deep self discovery, maybe you just want to know you aren't alone in feeling a certain way about sex or your body. Then this is also for you.
Love wins for me.
In order for me to have connected with my ex-husband or partner after him, I would have needed to feel things that were not alive in those relationships. Things that don't stem from lying about liking a movie or having the same career in common.
Connection is everything, and I think seeking it in all areas of your life lead to love, happiness and a deep knowing of self.
What do you think? Have you ever felt the way I did about sex? Do you see that pattern in your relationships? Do you think connection could be whats missing?