Recently I was watching the Tony Robbins movie on Netflix called "I Am Not Your Guru" (AMAZING). In one of the many powerful scenes, he talks about his relationship with his mother and says "If she would have been the mother I wanted her to be, I wouldn't be the man I am proud of today. She played the role she was suppose to in my life."
My mother wasn't the mother I wanted her to be. Alcoholism didn't allow her to be the mother I wanted her to be. The mother I would blow my birthday candles out wishing for. The mother that I would pray to a God I didn't know about, telling him "I will be really, really good if you can make my mom come home.". I so longed for my Loreali, for the woman I who could tell me about tampons, teach me how to curl my hair, hold me when my heart was broken, come to school events and support me, host sleepovers for my friends and be the woman I needed and so badly craved.
I spent a long time really confused on how a mother could leave her children, did I do something wrong? Was I not good enough? I know now that there was and is nothing wrong with me, but the sense of feeling abandoned all through my childhood and into my teenage years moved like fire through me. I was angry and hurt.
She left me. She choose alcohol or something/someone else over me.
I was bitter for a long time, but what can you expect from a 15 year old girl who longs for the attention from the one person who is suppose to love her unconditionally.
When I became pregnant with my son and is when things started to shift for me, I wanted my mom even more. As I grew this human inside of me, my desire to have my own my continued to grow and thats when I truly started my healing process and moving past abandonment and into new feelings for her.
She played the role she needed to in my life. Because she wasn't there like how I wanted her to be, I choose to seek out that mother that I craved from many women. My bestfriends mothers, teachers, friends, I got the best of it all. I got to have not just one woman shape my life, but many. They got to teach me things from each walk of their own lives. One woman broke my heart, but multiple women built me into the woman I proud to be today.
She had to leave, and because she did. I get to stand here with my life mission being to teach and empower women how to honor their body, mind and soul.
That would have never happened if she had stayed and been this golden woman that I so badly wanted and dreamed of.
To my mother, you gave me a beautiful life. Your departure in my life allowed my dad to become superman. Not only did he teach me how to deadlift, he also taught me that men are like onions and have layers, he can do some serious pigtails and because you left he was required to love more and deeper. To give my sister and I all the love we needed. Your departure kind of turned him into a Superhero.
Your vacancy in my life allowed some of the most remarkable women to walk into my life and teach me so many things. And if you're reading this, Mom, please don't be sad about this. I understand why you weren't there now, and these women didn't replace the fact that you gave me my life.
To Celina, Heather, Julie, Mandy, Michelle, Mrs.Dilorenzo, and all of the other women who left monumental marks on my life--I thank you. In my eyes, you all gave me bits and pieces of the mom I longed for. You all have had a role in shaping me in the woman I am today and no words or blog posts could ever describe how grateful I am to you.
Tony's words truly felt like the final piece of my healing that I needed. To realize that no, you did not abandon me. You played exactly the role you needed to you in my life. Thank you, for giving me this life.
And now, with resentment gone and space for love with you in my heart. I can think of the times you were here in my life, and I can cherish those without hurt.
I wear Angel perfume because my mother did, and when I wear it I can remember being in LA, walking down Venice beach with her feeling so fancy and special.
I find serious joy in doing my make-up now, its become part of my morning that is just pure fun to me. I remember watching my mom put on her make up and thinking she was some kind of celebrity. She took so much time and she loved it. As I get ready in the morning now, I feel parts of her with me.
When I drink my hazelnut flavored coffee, I will think of the mornings I did get to spend with her and the cereal she allowed me to eat because she knew my dad wouldn't let us. I'll remember that my first cup of coffee was with her...even though it left me in the bathroom for a very long time ;)
Thank you mom, for giving me this life.
Because now when I write my blog posts, I will think of Julie, who I would admire writing and reading and constantly inspiring me to write and read more and more. I will write these blog posts with (hopefully) better grammar thanks to Mandy, but I'll continue to show up to them because she supports me and believes in me. Hey! Remember when I said I longed for a mother to show up to my school events? No school, but Mandy shows up to each life event with cheers, pom-poms and nothing but love. I will write these blog posts with the knowledge I now have thanks to Michelle, and the year she spent teaching me with love. I will write these blog posts and share my message because of the women who supported me and loved me all through different phases of my life.
Thank you to my mother, you didn't abandon me. You played the role you needed to play and allowed me to grow through this life in a way that maybe I didn't imagine, but in a way that now I wouldn't change for anything.
Thank you to the women who let me stay at your house too late, eat your food, play with your daughters until the wee hours of the morning disrupting your sleep. Thank you to the women who taught me how move past heartbreak (Julie, thank you for letting my 15 year old broken heart eat all of your ice cream for months on end). Thank you to the women who helped me believe in myself. Thank you to the women who showed me what self love looks like. Thank you to the women who challenged me, who gave me rules, who held me through my tears of longing for my real mother, and who spent hours upon hours just listening to me. I am eternally grateful to you all and the roles you played in my life.
Moving past hurt is hard, but it's a choice.
A choice I am glad that I have made. Making this choice has made me appreciate and love harder and see the magic of women.
I am created of all the parts of women who inspired me, believed in me and allowed me to believe that I can do anything. I am created of the bits and pieces of a tribe of women, whom while they didn't know each other--they created me.
I am love, because I choose to be, but also because you all loved me.