I'm throwing away my underwear, not all of them--only about 8 . In the trash they go.
"But Rachel, why? Those were 7 for $25 at VS--how could you?"
Girl I know. Here's why.
This past year I gained 40lbs, then lost about 15, so still up 25 lbs from what I weighed at my smallest--125.
It took me a long time to come to a place of love and acceptance with my body this year, I'm happy to report now though, I experience more days filled with love than hate which is baller. Except for those days where I'm like "what in the actual fuck is this--how do I look like this" happen.
I'd have days where my clothes look amazing on me and I feel great, then I take my clothes off and see my stomach rolling out over my underwear and I'd sit and wonder WTF is wrong? I'm doing everything right, I don't get it.
Until it hit me like a ton of bricks: Rachel, this is the underwear you had when you were a size four. When you were starving all day long, when you wouldn't go out with friends because you didn't want to mess up your food for the day. This is the underwear you wore when you would restrict for weeks then have binges that would make you sick. This is the underwear that you had when you thought you were "fat" but kept dieting down into nothing. This is the underwear you wore when you could barley make it through you workouts because you didn't have enough food in you.
Okay okay, it makes sense now. OBVIOUSLY this shit doesn't fit me anymore. And now I'm at a place where I love the way my legs look, I'm not starving myself and I have strong curves that I adore. I'm a size 6/8 and this underwear doesn't fit me. It cuts into my skin making me feel like I have weight to lose. Well of course wearing something that is too small is going to make you question where you're at.
Thee cost of being as lean as I once was is too high. I want to:
- Go out to dinner with friends and eat fries
- Have wine with a hot date
- Eat ice cream on a hot day in the summer
- Have a bagel when I want
- LOVE MY BODY
None of those were possible when my sole focus was having abs. That type of body requires hard core restriction. Restriction I'm not willing to give.
That means my body looks 25lbs heavier now, but it also lifts heavy stuff like a boss. It's home to some strong glutes & my arms no longer look like a pencil.
Regardless of all I can have and do now, I love me.
I shouldn't be holding onto to these pieces of string and cotton that require me to be someone I never want to be again.
With that underwear, I'm also getting rid of shirts and other things that were made for a smaller frame. A frame that was home to shame and hate--I'm not there and I'm not going back.
Maybe you are holding onto clothes from highschool that you some day want to fit into again, and if you are (like 95% of my clients are when they start working with me), I urge you to ask yourself a few questions:
- Did you actually love yourself when you fit into these items?
- Were you strong?
- Did you focus on health and fueling your body right?
Most women are holding onto these smaller clothes thinking that getting back into them will make them love their bodies finally. Without ever thinking back to where they were at that point in their life. Because when I was in high-school I was heading to the nacho line at school everyday and doing 100 crunches to "counteract" the nachos. I wasn't actually healthy. I was just young and active and was in turn smaller.
Is being small your goal, that's it? Smallness? If so, maybe you should keep your underwear that cuts into your sides like mine do.
But if you realize that you want to focus on health and being strong and just overall being confident, throw those items away with the realization that as you become healthier and stronger--you may still not even fit into those clothes because with strength comes muscle growth and the formation of strong curves in your body. Making those things not fit you in the best way possible.
So I'm headed to throw out my underwear, because my body is changing. This isn't the acceptance of weight gain--because you CAN still love your body with working towards being stronger and healthier (in turn your body may change: lose weight). BUT, this is the evolution of being in a mindset of needing to be smaller, to one of radical self love and self acceptance.
Wearing clothes that once fit you months or years ago that no longer do, is a sure fire way to feel like you are "failing", so I urge you to throw that shit away. Seriously go give it away, unless it's your underwear--no one wants used panties.
Relish in the fact you are here. You have right now, and with each present moment you can walk more into your power and love for your body. You can't do that wishing you could fit into your high-school jeans.