You know when you're in the depths of your feelings and everything just feels so hard? Maybe your relationship just ended and you feel like you'll never find someone else again. Or, you're feeling so upset in your body and like you're never ever going to make the changes that you want to.
That suck feeling, you know?
It can be easy to cozy up and make this suck feeling home. You know, you unpack your bags at planet suck and you tell everyone who will listen about planet suck and now you feel like YOU are planet suck.
You hear the advice being given to you on how to move away from it, but that still doesn't feel like it can really work for your life. Rolling your eyes "ugh, what do they know about MY life?".
So the longer you live on planet suck, the more you feel like you're never going to leave planet suck and it consumes you.
But what if it didn't have to be that way?
Of course you logically know it doesn't have to be—but the question is always 'how?'.
I know it sounds bizarre, but when people are in the suck, sometimes they choose to stay there because any action that can be taken into the goodness or a more at ease state of being can seem scary. So they chose the suffering that feels most familiar.
People also live their life deeply attached to their stories. They believe their stories are who they are as a person.
Ex: My boyfriend broke up with me because I'm fat and this makes me not worthy of anyone else's love.
Now this person is going to live and move on with her life thinking she is fat and not worthy of someone else's love. This may have not actually been said by her boyfriend, but it could be what she assumed.
So if we are in the suck because we cling to our stories, how do you detach from the stories and still feel our feelings?
I learned a really powerful tool to navigate through through this from Byron Katie. She has a series of four questions that are designed to help you move out of suffering. So when you find yourself creating a story about something that's happening in your life (you're stressing about your body, you're going through a break up, you are stressed about work etc) you can use the questions below to work through the situation at hand to come out with more ease and clarity.
The questions are:
- Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
- Can you absolutely know that it's true? (Yes or no.)
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
Okay so how does this look in real life?
The other day when Cooper was going to his dads, like he has for 2 1/2 years, I got sad and so I called my dad. I told him why I was upset and this is how the convo went:
Dad: So how does Cooper leaving make you feel?
Me: It makes me sad because I'm going to be alone (note: alone because Cooper is half of my heart and I miss him when he's gone)
Dad: Do you truly feel like you're going to be alone?
Dad: Does he have a good time with his dad and love his dad?
Dad: Does his dad love him? And does he always come back?
Me: Yes and yes.
My dad didn't ask the other questions because our call was cut short, but I went on to ask myself the other two.
How do I react to the thoughts?
When I believe that I'm going to be alone and sad while Cooper is gone, I get a little anxious, and angry. I become short and feel less grounded.
Who would I be without these thoughts?
I would rock the hell out of my week with the extra time alone I have. I would move with ease, and have fun with my SCR work and workouts. I would be my happy, normal self.
Ditching The Story
You can take those four questions and really use them to work through all any story or suffering you feel like you're having a hard time going through.
What can happen when you let go of the story is powerful. It's the HOW that can change your world. Which sounds dramatic, but it's true.
I can't tell you how many times I've created a story about why my partner hasn't responded to my text fast enough and I could have sworn that they were going to break up with me in a matter of minutes, when really they were just pooping and I went off into the deep end and created unneeded stress and suffering for myself.
How will you use this framework in your life?
I would love to know you implement this into your life and how you feel once you've truly done it.