How many times has someone asked you to do something or show up somewhere and you speak 'yes' but are silently saying to yourself 'fuck this, this is bullshit, I don't want to go".
You don't want to let them down, you want them to be happy, of course you do.
'Yes' feels like the easiest way out. But yes isn't serving you.
Thinking about boundaries I use to think more about how far I could go on the playground without reaching the 'get in trouble zone' and not anything about my personal life.
Brene Brown taught me a different perspective:
"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. We can't base our own worthiness on others' approval (and this is coming from someone who spent years trying to please everyone!). Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say "Enough!"
Okay, I thought. This makes sense. Can I do I do it though?
Setting boundaries was harder than expected. I still continued to say yes to often, but the more I tried, and practiced, the more I got comfortable with saying no. And it changed my life.
I was happier.
I didn't blame others as much.
And I realized the power in saying no doesn't mean you're a dick. You're not a dick.
Saying 'no' allowed me to show up to life in a way that I wanted to, which all together made me enjoy life, and people, more.
Here's How You Can Set Boundaries
Create a mantra
- A mantra is a word or phrase that you repeat to yourself either out loud or in your head. This power phrase is something you can use when you're stuck in those moments of someone asking you to do something that you don't want to do. "It's okay to say no". Or whatever makes sense for you. Your mantra reminds you that you can do hard things, like choose discomfort or to disappoint.
- Look in the mirror and practice saying no. Practice in the car, to your partner, anywhere and everywhere. The more you do it, the more you can actually do it when you're in the real life situation. It's okay, you may look funny talking to the air, but just think about how good it's going to feel when you don't have to do that thing, and resent that person for saying 'yes' when you didn't want to.
Identify your physical, spiritual and emotional limits.
- You can't set boundaries if you don't know where you stand in these areas. Understand what you can tolerate and what you can't, this makes the choice to say no one that is clear.
Start small! This takes practice, don't beat yourself up if the first time you're presented with something you say no to, you say yes instead. It's okay.
Setting boundaries isn't about being a mean or bad person, it's about honoring yourself, respecting yourself and respecting others. How many times have you said yes, done the thing, and hated the person who asked you? It's not their fault said yes, it's yours. Ehhh, ow. I know. That's a hard pill to swallow, but, you read this article. Which means you're one step closer to owning your boundaries.
You can do hard things.