Honey Thoughts: Death, an Identity Crisis + Pizza in The Middle of The Day

If you're new to honey thoughts, the quick breakdown:

Matilda is my favorite movie, well—one of them. Miss.Honey was everything I felt like a mom would be. Kind, caring, happy, loving etc. And as a little girl who didn't have her mom, I wanted nothing more than to trade places with Matilda. 

Over the years I started loving all things honey related, I began to resonate honey with goodness, happiness, and joy. 

So in this blog series you get to learn about all the goodness in my life, the stuff I don't put on social media.

Ready?

Winter Break

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I keep writing about him, and I don't think I'll stop. Cooper is so goofy, kind and smart. He goes back and forth between my house and his dads, staying with each of us for 1 week at a time. Which is everything I never wanted for him. Yet, he remains so soft, so open to the love and I don't know how I got so lucky. A few weeks ago I excused myself to the bathroom towards the end of our Sunday night (he goes back to his dads every Monday). I cried softly hopping he wouldn't hear me. I know he will always come back, but it's hard to go from mom one week to alone the next. 

He came into the bathroom and asked if I was okay. I told him I would miss him, and then he said something about how he loves honey. My tears stopped and I smiled so big, 'me too!', I said. I told him about my tattoo and he thought it was so cool. I told him that honey could be our secret code, kind of a thing to think about if we miss each other. He then told me "I don't need something to remember that I miss you, you are always in my heart". So obviously I then cried more.

My sweet sweet guy. I love every moment, every age, every everything. 

 

An Identity Crisis

When I was 11, I was wearing the largest size clothing in girls clothes because I was 5'7 and looked just the way I did now, then. So when it came time to wear juniors, I didn't know how sizing worked, so I continued to buy larges. I never really questioned why all of my clothes were huge, I think I just thought they were suppose to be and, they were comfortable. 

Eventually I figured it out, but I wasn't comfortable in clothes that were form fitting. It's been an odd journey of finding comfort in clothes—mainly in feeling feminine in clothes

It became even more uncomfortable when I started dating a woman and someone made a comment to me asking "have you always dressed that gay?". It upset me and made me begin to question what I was wearing even more. 

This wasn't the first time I had found unease in how I dressed, I just never knew what I liked and spent so much time trying to fit in that I kind of gave up on finding a style I myself truly like. 

When I was living in NYC I had a full on meltdown, pulling every item of clothing out of my dresser asking my girlfriend "is this gay? WHAT ABOUT THIS?" Sobbing, I realized I only had old t-shirts and things I hated, but were cheap and baggy. 

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Only recently I realized how much this really bothered me. I had always associated femininity through clothing with glitter and pink, and while I like pink.. glitter and frills weren't my thing. 

So I started asking myself "What do you actually like?, What do you find cute? What feels feminine to you?" 

This wasn't in an attempt to 'not look gay', but an attempt to truly begin to dress in a way that felt like me. Which included my flannels (which is where the gay comment came from), band tees, pink things and this cute top from Abercrombie. 

Can I mention how dope Abercrombie's fitting rooms are? You can change the lighting + the music...crazy. 

Anyway, slowly I've been purchasing things I like and finding enjoyment in it. I use to find pride in not caring what I wore, but that was once again me trying to fit into another box. This is fun, I like it, and I like how I feel in my new clothes. 

Eat, Pray, Death

I sat on the side of the pool at my gym 2 1/2 years ago reading Eat, Pray, Love. I grabbed my heart and cried when Elizabeth Gilbert wrote “The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.”

I fell in love with her writing, her life and how her words made me feel. She would go on to write another one of my favorite books, and host one of my favorite podcasts. Her words guided me through the most intense and hardest moments of my life.

I felt a closeness to her that I can't really put into words. So when I started dating a woman and randomly found out that Liz had also fallen in love with a long time friend who was a woman, I felt at ease. 

I followed along with Rayya and Liz's love, finding comfort in their journey. I knew that Rayya was sick, but when I saw Liz's post that she had passed, I felt the deepest sadness. 

It felt weird, I think because I always find it strange when people who don't know the person who died, get extremely upset. In the past I thought this was selfish in a way.

My heart breaks for Liz though, and simultaneously feels so much love and gratitude.

Grateful for the love they boldly shared which made me feel less alone. I don't know if this will make any sense to anyone reading this, but I couldn't not share how much Rayya meant to me, and the love she shared with Liz. 

Liz, thank you for sharing your love with the world. I am so sorry for your loss. 

 

Friends

The other day after my session with my clients Lindsey and Annie, we decided to go to Harvest—this place that makes the most amazing pizza ever. 

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We were sitting there eating (I had this incredible breakfast pizza that had gouda, bacon, maple syrup and eggs on it) and I was just so grateful to be able to have time in the middle of the day to be able to get pizza. Grateful to make my own hours, and live a life that allows me time freedom. 

On my way home I started to cry at this stoplight, and as I looked to my right, I saw the wedding chapel that I got married at almost 6 years ago. Tears turned into laughter, which turned into joy. 

There was a time when I had no friends, where I couldn't eat pizza because my eating disorder ruled my life, and a time where I felt like ghost in my own body. 

Sitting at that light with a belly full of pizza and a heart full of joy that this new reality was everything I wished for and more. 

Honey. 

 

xoxo

Rachel

 

PS-Have your own honey thoughts you want to share? Use #scrhoneythoughts so I can see and experience the goodness in your life.