Cooper's Going To Kindergarten And This Is How I Really Feel

Cooper is going to kindergarten and I'm feeling things I didn't think I would feel #truth. 

It's making me ask all of these big questions and feel all of these really big things. Like:

  • How could my mom leave me? Didn't she know I needed her and she was suppose to pack my lunch and watch me walk into class and bring cupcakes on valentines day?
  • How is Cooper going to navigate the lunch room? Who will he sit with? I hope they are nice to him.
  • How will we co-parent with 3 humans in a way that empowers him and makes him feel most loved?
  • Oh my god someone is going to be mean to him and there is nothing I can do, he has to be his own advocate now.
  • What will he like? Who will he be? 

When he was born, my dad stood behind me and my sister to the side and then the doctors put him on my chest and I loved someone for the first time in my life.

I love him more every single day.

Then he went to kindergarten assessments last week and I watched him line up with all the other kids, and he walked with his head down wiping away his tears and the reality of his humanness came alive.

Of course I know he's human and I knew one day he would go to school, and play sports and one day have a girlfriend. But it was like a switch turned on and it all became so real.

As he walked away, a new chapter in both of our lives started. 

I'm so proud of us. 

I don't know how to love someone so much and be so happy and scared for them at the same time.

I don't want him to be hurt and have his heart broken, but heartbreak teaches us some of the most valuable lessons.

I don't want some kid to be mean to him, but I understand it will happen. 

I don't want him to feel alone or lost, but I'm sure at some point he will feel that too.

I've known of different shades of love before, but this shade that I currently feel is new and makes my heart feel different things. I wanted to say bad, because a large part of me is scared. But different doesn't have to mean bad. So as we have our last few weeks of long summer days and we prepare to pack lunches, be kind and share, I'm going to sit with all of the new feelings. Even though I've cried 2x writing this.

It's hard for me, but it's hard for him too. 

Parenting is hard, adulting is hard, being a human is hard sometimes. 

I didn't know kindergarten would make me feel so many things.