I talk about this subject so frequently because it's what drove me to want to create SCR. It's what helps me connect to my clients, it helps me understand them better. Because I get it. Each time I talk about my history with binge eating I open up just a little bit more. This time though, I think I'm ready to share it all.
I hope if you're reading this, that these words help you in every way that you need right now. If you find yourself needing help, or someone to talk to--I AM HERE. I don't say that in a fake or insincere way. I truly, to my core, mean it.
The hold that food had over my life was scary. I think it started at a young age when I would go over to a friend's house and shovel white bread and butter down my throat. When I'd get home and my dad would ask what I ate, I'd say something like "salad with chicken."
My dad wasn't stupid, I think he knew that I wasn't always eating salad. Nor did he want me to eat salad all the time. He wanted me to value my health at a young age. I didn't though. I wanted to be "normal" like everyone else. I wanted to buy super sack lunch at school on Wednesday. I couldn't though. Or at least I wasn't allowed, so I'd dig up or even steal money from my dad so I could indulge with my friends.
This lead through high school, but I didn't realize it was a problem until I got married.
After I had my son I was in shock over what my body looked like. I wanted my lean body back. Why was I left with this skin, these deep, deep stretch marks and all this unwanted weight? I wanted it gone. Yesterday.
I thought I finally found my way and started getting in shape.
I had a slight problem though. I never left my house, I only went to the store once a week and sometimes to see family. So my vision for what I "should" look like became 100% locked on what the girls on Instagram looked like.
I NEVER aspired to look like them. But with these women being the only women I looked at, I just thought that finally reaching my "goal" meant attaining abs.
So I got there. I had abs, and I still hated myself. I thought I was fat at 125 lbs. I don't say that lightly, and I realize now that in no way shape or form was I fat. But that's not what I saw in the mirror.
I would get so upset that I wasn't at my goal that I would tell my husband "Let's just go out to eat. It's my cheat meal". He would agree and I'd stuff my face. Then I'd be so upset that I did that, I'd continue to eat poorly. Make sense right?
I'd begin to eat my sons cereal to the point of feeling like I was going to throw up, crying because it hurt so bad but I felt like I couldn't stop.
I'd binge on protein bars, fruit, chips. Anything, even seemingly "healthy" foods.
I'd do this for 1-4 weeks and then commit to some insane goal. Like competing. Meaning I'd restrict or count my food like a crazy person. Replacing one addiction with another.
Then a few weeks or months after *thinking* I had my shit together I'd binge again. Every time the binges would get worse.
It finally got to a point that I told my husband. I told him not to give me the keys to the car so I couldn't go and buy food. I told him not to give me money to buy it.
The moment I had it in my head I "needed" food, I'd ask for the keys and money. He would say no, just like I asked him to.
Then? I would cry. I would literally sob. I yelled at him for not letting me do what I want with my body. I did this until he caved and gave me the keys, so I could go feed my addiction.
It makes me sick just writing this.
My mother is an addict and alcoholic. Comparing the way I treated food, with looking at the way she treats drugs and alcohol. I don't see any difference.
I was literally ruining my body and my mind and I truly felt like there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't feel like I was in control.
OF COURSE there was something I could do. I WAS IN CONTROL. I didn't realize it though.
I could have sought help but I felt like as a personal trainer whose mission is to help women break free from food, and LOVE their bodies--how could I ask for help?
I didn't tell my dad because I didn't want him to think less of me. I didn't tell my sister because I thought she looked up to me. I didn't tell my best friend because I wanted it to look like I was better. Like I didn't struggle too. I did.
I did tell my husband. It was never his fault. I was bat shit crazy. He didn't know that me eating 5 protein bars was bad. I lied to him, I used him. All for food.
One day I sat on the couch after I had convinced my husband to take me to the store to buy food fo "us". I suggested that we "needed" a platter of cheese and crackers because to him he thought it was healthy so it was okay. Him and my son fell asleep and I ate the whole thing. Then I ate a whole box of cereal. My husband woke up to me crying with a bowl of cereal in my hands, I sat there saying " I can't stop, I need help." Over and over again,
I sat there deciding whether or not I wanted to give up my business and stop Strong Chicks Rock. How dare I help women when I can't even help myself? Who the fuck am I to help anyone?
So I cried, and I sat. I cried more. As I sat there and held my stomach I thought "I will get better for my clients." If I could get myself better, I could help women everywhere. I could help women dig out from what feels like the depths of hell. But I have to do it first.
So I did. Through the hate I felt, through the challenges I faced and the anger I felt. I did it.
I started by making small goals. Like "three days binge free". I would make a mark on my dry erase board every night ONLY if I made it through the day honoring my body through food. I had to switch my mindset from eating for a body, to eating to fuel my body and love it.
I'd have one good day. Yay! One mark up on the board and I was so proud! Day two, I binged and would have to physically erase my day one check and then begin again the next day with mark 1.
Eventually I got 3 marks, 7, 14, 30 and so on.
I did it.
This is where my passion stems from. This is what made me want to help women, hell, save women.
Some people may say I'm sharing too much. Why would I open myself up and expose my deepest and darkest secrets?
Because I want you to know that I get it. I know how to help women become free from the chains food has you wrapped in.
Now, I make it my mission to help women love themselves and create healthy relationships with food.
I don't pretend to know it all. And there are still days that I feel struggle. There are still things I'm learning as I create a healthier relationship with food daily. But I'm doing it. And I want to help you do it too.
Cheers to honesty, to healthier relationships with your body and food & most importantly, cheers to self-love. May your heart be open to loving YOU more and more every day.
If you need help getting a hold of your fitness and nutrition, please don't hesitate to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. No pressure, we can simply talk.