I stepped on the scale a few days ago, 139 it said. "Okay I'm good".
Woah, what in the fresh hell? I'm good? I couldn't believe what I had just said.
I equated my enoughness to my scale.
I spent years searching for 125 on the scale. Years. Nothing else in my mind would make me happy. Only 125. No one told me this number was good, I just randomly made this my target. When I got to 125 a few years back, I celebrated with binging so hard that the self hate I felt had never been higher. This is what happens when you restrict, so so so hard.
What was worse is that I wasn't happy, I still felt I needed to be smaller.
As time went by and I realized that the scale isn't the best indicator of our progress and I truly began to believe this, not just from seeing how my body could change and the scale stay the same, my clients as well—but it was when I began to do the mindset work and truly connect to my worth and power outside of my body,
Then something happened. I gained 40 lbs 2 years ago, and got up to 161, which isn't good or bad, it was just wasn't healthy for me because it was due to my secretive binge eating. you want to know something crazy? At 161, I loved my body, for the first time actually.
Which blew my mind, I wasn't 125. I wasn't this "perfect number." How could this be?
Once I started working out again and stopped binging, my weight stayed around 140-150 for about a year. I was cool here, this was good. I loved my body and felt strong.
Then, the other day, I randomly stepped on the scale, just to see, because I was curious, and it said 139.
I immediately equated this to 'good' because it was under where I'd been the last two years.
This thought of 'goodness' lasted all of 2 seconds before I realized that was my diet mindset talking. Then I was able to work through my feelings and come back into a place of power, but it bummed me out for a moment that I let it decide how worthy I was. Remembering that I had done this for my whole life.
Here's What You Need To Know
- Self love is not a linear progression, there will be moments or days, as long as you live maybe, where you'll feel off and not connected to your body. This is okay. Self love isn't about shitting rainbows and butterflies. It's two things, one, building your tool box of resources so that when you get into those negative moments, you don't sit there. You know how to work your way out and connect back to yourself. Two, it's acts and mindsets that you can grow with daily.
- Diet mindset is the voice that tells you that you aren't enough. That a certain number is better than others, that you should diet, do more burpees to burn off that pizza etc.
- If the scale is triggering to you, if you get worked up, too in your head, or anything else other than chill—don't step on it. Just don't.
I know that's easier said than done, 'just don't step on it.' But in the work I do, I see women everyday telling me how great they feel in their body, they're clothes are fitting better and they're lifting heavier, and then they weigh themselves and second guess the effectiveness of their program. Even though they JUST told me how great they feel.
I'm not asking to you to hide your scale. I'm asking you to get ride of it. Because you know you'll want to step on it. Hey, even I did. As I visited my dad and walked past his room I was like "just to see".It was true, I did just want to see, but even for those 2 seconds, it made me put my worth into a number and I'm not fucking about that life.
So You're Obsessed?
I want you to focus on:
- How you FEEL in your body. Happy, confident, strong, joyful, comfortable, at peace etc.
- How your clothes fit.
- How the way you speak to yourself changes.
Then, throw your scale away. I wish I had a magical tool to help you keep it in your house without attaching yourself to it's outcome. When its out of site and you are forced to focus on other aspects of progress, you really begin to sink slowly, back into yourself and into your power.
And if on the days, like me, where you find yourself making a number that isn't based on anything else but what you've decided, 'good', show yourself compassion. It's a moment, and I promise you that your worth will never be found in numbers.