"What's your favorite color?", I would ask the cute guy sitting across from me. "Blue", he would say.
Are You A People Pleaser?
Have you ever had one of those moments, the kind where you change bits and pieces of who you are in hopes that you win over whoever you're trying to please?
As women particularly, we are some of the biggest people pleasers. Our worth and value coming from what some other person thinks of us. So much so that you lose yourself over and over again until you don't even know who you are anymore.
When I was 21 and ending my marriage, I realized that I had no idea who I was. I didn't even know what kind of music I liked.
I remember this moment vividly when I was in 7th grade and I liked this guy, Jose. I asked him what his favorite band was and he said Blink 182. ME TOO, I said, as I quickly googled the lyrics to their most popular song and sent him my "favorite line".
From that moment on, my life turned in to what felt like one massive lie. I couldn't even begin to tell you who I was or what I liked. I needed other peoples validation. I needed to know they accepted me.
Until one day, after having left my marriage, I went on a mission to discover what I liked, who I was and it led to no longer needing validation.
How To Break Up With Being A People Pleaser
1. You Can Care, You Just Don't Need Their Validation
The really popular millennial thing to say is that "I don't care what people think", which isn't really true. We do care to a degree and words can hurt. However, we can still care, without needing their validation. The two aren't one in the same.
2. Know That You Have A Choice
A common people pleaser mindset is thinking that you don't have a choice. You must agree with what they are saying or say yes, in order to be validated. Remember though, you always have a choice to not agree or say no.
3. Say No, Or Disagree
The first time you don't tell the person you're seeking validation from that you completely agree with what they are saying or thinking is hard. Point blank. The more you do it though, the more connected you become to your confidence and power. The more you begin to think for yourself.
4. Make Peace With The fact That Not Everyone Is Going To Like You
I use to think that if I tried hard enough, I could win over everyone. Literally. When I shifted my mindset and realized that would be impossible, I began to slowly be able to shed my need for others validation, knowing how unrealistic it was.
5.Let Go Of Approval Based Actions
This little Diddy is a hard one. Get honest with yourself with why you're saying yes to things. Are you simply saying yes because you think you'll get some sort of approval from doing it? Or, do you actually want to do it?
The journey into letting go of the need for validation from others is one that is scary, because it requires you to get honest with yourself and step into your own power.
Lean into the fear, the journey and take it one step at a time.
Can you imagine how amazing your life will be once you're living it for you?