The first time I told a woman she was beautiful I felt like I couldn’t say it soon enough.
She was dressed more masculine, which made me unsure if she wanted to be called beautiful. But I needed to tell her like I needed to breathe.
Before her, I hadn’t ever noticed women. I assumed I just hadn’t found the right guy.
The men I would date would shower me with:
You’re so beautiful
You’re so hot (ugh)
Your body is _____
They’d wait patiently for me to return the compliment. Racking my brain for how to compliment them back felt so awkward. ‘You’re like, super hot, too.” I mean sure, yes, I see your 27 abs and I definitely know that you’re good looking. Aside from that, I never felt the way they appeared to feel about me.
Until her. I wanted to say you're beautiful 100x over. There would never have been enough words, or the right words to describe it.
The first time I told a woman she was beautiful felt like the most honestl truth that’s ever left my mouth. I feel like I’m having a Kristen Stewart moment right now. So I guess I’m like, really fucking gay?
The more I honored my feelings, and saw the beauty in her—the more everything made sense to me.
With men everything was just acting. How does a turned on woman sound, how does she act? What does she say? How does she move?
With women, everything feels easy, kind and honest.
The first time I danced with a woman felt electric. I enjoyed the way I wanted to be close to her, and how she wanted to be close to me. I wasn’t use to this.
I share this not to be a soft porn insight to mine and my partners lives, but because for so long there was this feeling of being broken that occupied every part of my body. Do my parts not work? Is this the wrong guy? Whatthefuckiswrongwithme?
Then one day I honored my feelings and told a woman she was beautiful and everything started to make sense.
Even after I came out, I dated this guy who truly was amazing for awhile. He was kind, funny, deep and when he looked at me it was like he looked into my soul. He saw me as I was, and made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. After awhile something still felt off. I sat on the floor getting ready for one of our dates a few months back and started to cry for reasons at the time I couldn’t quite identify, but they were heavy and I was confused.
I texted my best friend, and even though I knew she wanted to say “Rachel it’s because you’re gay. You’re feeling so off because you’re gay, and you’re trying to make this work and it’ll never work.” I was trying to date men and make it happen the same way Gretchen Weiners was trying to make fetch happen.
Like she always does, with kindness, my friend said “maybe it’s because you don’t really like him”, To that I sighed with relief and said ‘you’re right.
He was and still is handsome AF. I love spending time with him, but he doesn’t give me butterflies. And you know, I want butterflies. I want like 7 million of them roaring inside of my belly ready to scream “YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL”. Not awkwardly fishing for ‘you’re like sooo hot’.
Loving women, and being okay with loving women has been really hard. I want to act like it hasn’t but I can’t not tell you the truth.
Loving women has made me feel the most at home in my life and body because I was honoring my truth.
It’s scary when your truth looks different than how you thought it would, or was suppose to.
But I think that’s the cool thing about life, is that there is no wrong way to live and love YOUR life. There was no guide book you were born with. Just your heart, your cute little toes and all of you.
Maybe you don’t love girls the way I do, and that’s okay. You don’t need to. I honor your truth, and your love and I really just wanted this conversation to be elevated so other women or men, or whoever, feel less alone.
That’s the special thing about writing, words can wrap you up and make you feel warm, seen and loved, even in the depths of sadness. I hope that my words found you at a time when you needed them most. I hope they’re slowly making their way from your eyes, into your brain, down your spine and into your heart (wow, am I word sexting?), and let you know that your love is magic and pure and whatever you find beautiful, I think is quite lovely.