You know that scene in Shrek where he’s like ogres are like onions? My dad use to say the same thing about boys.
“Boys are like onions, Rachel. You have to peel back the layers and keep peeling them back to really get to know someone”.
It's year 5 of Strong Chicks Rock. Wow..Happy Birthday To You--Strong Chicks.
As I'm writing this, I'm watching the final episode of the show 13 Reasons Why, it's made my heart hurt and made me sick to my stomach.
Holding my heart, and wiping tears away. I remember, through every cell in my body, why I wanted to create SCR.
Before he even arrived home I would be anticipating his arrival and the fight we would have because he would look at me, with this look, and I would know that meant he wanted me, I would have rather run a triathlon than feel his touch against my body (I loathe running).
I went to the bathroom, got down on my knees and I stuck my fingers down my throat to get it out of me. I couldn't do it. I collapsed onto the floor, crying. Knowing I truly can't do this alone.
"I'm not crazy" is how crazy people begin most sentences, right?
Yet time and time again, crazy is used to describe women who feel.
“Binge eating feels like my brain becomes host to a demon. LIke my normal brain is there, but frozen and unable to make a choice. Like I am held hostage to the demon that is frantic, telling me to eat what's in front of me and then some. And even when I want to stop, it says no. Like I’m being sent on a mission and can’t stop until it’s done. Despite tears, physical pain, and wanting to throw up, I can’t stop. Despite an urge so strong it forces me to manipulate situations and lie, I can’t stop. Only when I’m done do I realize what’s happened and then I get my reward for listening to the demon. Shame so big that it swallows me whole.”
Sitting with the restlessness for me meant not seeking out another relationship or person to sleep with right away. If that’s what you need, I’m not knocking it. But I’m encouraging you to not use someone else's body or emotions as a scratching post for you to numb out on. This was hard for me, I wasn’t use to not being someone's person.
It's not in another diet, or fancy meal plan that ease within your body comes. I know that you think if you could just lose those extra 10 lbs, that you'll *finally* be happy. But what I know after working with over 800 women to help them feel more normal in their body + around food is that you have to master your mindset first. What you're searching for in losing those 10lbs is a feeling. For example you think that confidence is tied to a size 4, or that sexiness comes with wearing a size small.
While I wanted to tell him that ‘being a homosexual’ is not a choice. And that it would be 1000000x easier to just date men. I refrained and let him continue. I also couldn't stop reciting mean girls "And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs..... And the homosexuals. AMEN."
When your best friend comes to you and says “I fucked up. I cheated on my boyfriend, and I feel disgusting. “ You see her pain yes? You don’t say “KAREN YOU DUMB BITCH!”. Well, that isn’t the first thing you say at least. You hold her in her pain, and see her without judgement.
You, yourself, are NOT the exception to this loving kindness you so freely have within you. You aren't that special that you aren’t just as human as Karen is to accept this kindness.
What if I told you that you could eat pizza or have wine without guilt?
Would you roll your eyes, waiting to hear what BS falls from my mouth? Or would you be open to trying something completely different than anything you’ve ever done before. Because at this point, you’re open to trying anything, no matter how out there it sounds—if it means you can stop obsessing about food.
I’m sure you know heartbreak, even if the decision to end a relationship is yours, your heart still hurts. Hurt is a cute way to talk about. Heartbreak felt like being okay for milliseconds, and then being hit by a large semi that erupted all of your feelings in your body, making you feel every single piece, one at a time. Like you can’t breathe, and can’t feel, but you can feel everything all at once. Like you can’t eat, because your body feels too full of hurt. Like you may actually die from the pain your heart is experiencing.
I'm falling in love with summer and it's not even fully summer yet. I just realized another thing as I'm typing this, I'm falling in love with summer because this is the first time that I've had the kind of freedom I do now since the summer when I was 15. Ohmygoodness. That was the last summer I spent being outside, playing, and reading. Ugh, I read so much that summer.
So here you are, coming up on a day that celebrates the magic of mothers but every card you pick up doesn’t feel right. You don’t feel like there's a card that says I love you, but I’m hurt, and I don’t feel this magic or connection with you—but I’m not supposed to say that because you gave me life.
If you find yourself being short with people and holding back how you feel because it feels vulnerable, scary and uncomfortable, I get it . You're not alone. But...you kinda, gotta take action so the same behaviors don't keep showing up and so you can actually be IN your relationship/friendships etc.
Six years ago I called my dad and told him that I wanted to start a business online that worked solely with women. I told him that I wanted to create what I needed, what I couldn't find.
A place for women to learn how to create healthy relationships with food, movement and their body. A place where women were guided 1:1 in a safe space, without judgement. A place where women could be met where they're at.
Unconditional love can change your life. And I hate saying that, because it's like did I need them to love me, to see myself more clearly? I don't know, I don't think so. It's not her love that helped me arrive to a deeper sense of home, and love within my life and body. But it was the freeness of it that offered me a a gentleness with inside of myself.
It wasn't the cheese board itself that brought upon this moment, though that was phenomenal. It was the fact that for most of my life, I had spent so much time thinking about my body, or what someone else was thinking about my body (which they probably weren't at all.), that I hadn't ever just lived.
The night before the movie released and I couldn't take it anymore, I was a volcano about to erupt and I broke up with my then boyfriend. It was a long time coming, but I had to do it because it just wasn't right anymore. It had nothing to do with the release of the movie, just a woman who was tired of being a ghost in her own body.